Introducing... Cheap Therapy

Years and years and years ago, I toyed with the idea of penning my autobiography.  In fact, on my personal website (www.notmymess.com), there's a place-card for this project in the "pipeline" area of the site.  You can find that here.

While it's yet to come to fruition, I'll leave it up there as a sort of task-master, reminding me that it wants to be handled and it wants to be completed.

Just another thing to add to my monumental list of anxiety-inducing nonsense (mostly self-inflicted, by the by).

Anyway, I figured it might be a reasonable thing to just start collecting my innermost thoughts (not that I haven't on social media or on other blogs I have used and currently use) right here -- basically as a way to just get some shit off of my chest.  It's not unreasonable that by writing something down, something negative -- that you're taking away some of its power, simply by acknowledging it.  It's a theory at least.

But until I finally tackle that possible embarrassing and revealing memoir, I figured I'd deal w/ some of my issues (potentially some humiliating ones) right here, under that same appropriate name, "Cheap Therapy".  And of course, were the book ever to move forward, I'd have a lot of stuff already at the taking, from my own blog, right?

Thinking ahead, that's my talent.  Of course, most of my brand of "thinking ahead" is just insane worrying about what probably won't be (i.e. potential for disaster).

So my hope is to establish several different series of entries, dealing with my current shots at improving my mental and physical health.

For now, this is where I stand.

I began to exercise almost every day, at the end of June 2018, to prep for a film role in my buddy Monte's feature directorial debut.  I played an astronaut, so didn't figure that my flabby-ass and paunchy belly would be appropriate for such a character.  And so I started working out with the help of the Beach Body / P90 exercise DVD.  Every other day, cardio and abs, then free weights.  Goodness knows that no one is more surprised by this than I am, but I've kept up on this regiment, tweaking it to my own needs and preferences -- for over a year and a half.  Unreal.  But basically, it's in my body, in my mind and on my schedule every day.  Obvious exceptions for slacking include physical sickness, or travel.  But even while travelling, I still try to get a morning stretch, about a hundred push-ups and about 400 ab crunches -- if a full workout is not feasible.

Mentally, I'm a fucking mess.  I finally got off my butt (at the behest of my other half and my primary care doctor) to deal with this sometimes crippling anxiety I deal with on a constant basis.

Add to this, the very real fear I have of being trapped (in traffic, in the subway, etc.) with no bathroom should the need arise for me to have a bowel movement.  While I've not crapped my pants since I was a toddler (to my knowledge), it's been a constant fear/phobia for at least 15 years.  It's pure insanity, but I am now seeing a therapist, as we dive into some exposure therapy to help me deal with this particular issue.

This therapy began in October of 2019, and in addition to this "thing", I was also diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia.  When asked what percentage of my day that I was "worried" or "anxious" or "on edge", I replied with a solid (no hesitation) about 90% of the time.  Work stress (self inflicted), terrible world events, heavy traffic, random attacks on folks -- basically EVERYTHING stresses me out.

It it here where I'll express my sadness and regret that I have become something of a hermit as of late.  Social anxiety has become quite a thing for me.  Add that fear of travelling (mostly to places unknown -- with unknown access to a shitter) and the term "recluse" begins to materialize.

I've also stopped reviewing movies, which was always a way for me to get out, because I HAD TO.  And writing screenplays?  In the safety of my own home -- totally doable.  No need to go out.  And while I still hit up a coffee shop from time to time, that tradition has practically vanished.  So you can see that I'm in between a rock and a hard place.

So again -- I apologize.  If I flake, it's because I am sometimes quite certain that I'll fall into a panic attack, crap my pants in public or lose my mind with anxiety.  There's a lot going on in this head of mine and I'm working on it.  That's all I can say.

It's all for real, folks.  And add into the mix an unfortunate event from early November 2019 -- which we are still working through and dealing with -- and it's no wonder I'm on edge constantly for the past many months.

I don't handle stress well, and if I can feel safe and happy in my own home -- chances are, I'll take that route.

So as I begin this blog, with the hopes of updating almost daily (with my therapy exercises, my physical exercises and my writing regiments), I hope to let people know that they're not alone in the way they're feeling, but also to hold myself accountable for things I must to do better myself in every single way.  And quite frankly, a "go get 'em" or "we've got your back" or a "you can do it" from the peanut gallery -- could do wonders.

And if we can all laugh and learn at the same time, perfect, right?

Also, I'm a type 2 diabetic since 2011, so some of these entries will also deal with diet changes and challenges.

I wanna be better.  I really do.  And even as I pen this opening blog, I'm dealing with some unfortunate anxiety, because of multiple things in my day, this Saturday.  Some of which are actually good, but you know -- I've gotta worry about those things too.  'cause, why not?

Not quite insanity, but close.  So, let me work out those issues in full view of the interwebs.

Enjoy my journey through "Cheap Therapy", everyone.  :)